Here I Go Again With My Feelings...

So this is what they meant when the economists warned that things would get worse before they'd get better. My little shop is holding strong, but it's taking everything I've got, like working overtime, carefully pouring over orders to ensure that I have made the best buys, spending most of my time on the sales floor, and keeping my payroll to a minimum by doing as much as I can myself. I go to work with a smile on my face because through it all, I thoroughly enjoy what I do, but times are tough. My sales this year have been relatively good, considering the retail closures that abound, but I am still struggling to recoup from my fourth quarter overshoot. Every penny counts, as does every potential customer that walks through the door, and that pressure is draining my usual upbeat spirits. The worst part is that I worry night and day that I am cheating Willa and that annoying maternal guilt has resurfaced. I wonder if this guilt is normal, common among all mothers. My closest friends who are mothers describe having the same feelings, but maybe we're just all same-feathered birds that have naturally flocked together. As I discussed a new scheduling arrangement with Billie Jean today, I reminded myself for the umpteenth time, just how fortunate I have been to have had so much time with Willa, more than most working moms could ever dream of having. And I hope that once that perk gets replaced with the necessity of work, I will only be grateful for having had the experience and the pleasure. It's probably silly, but I often think about the way her experiences are shaping her. I hope that in exposing Willa to my work, I am somehow, in a very early sense, instilling in her a strong work ethic, nurturing a drive for success and an appreciation for business and the value of a dollar. Even though she can't comprehend it yet, I hope that she will eventually, fully grasp and seek out the dream of doing what she loves every day and appreciate the sweet fruit of her own labor. I expect that her outgoing nature will keep blossoming and she will enjoy meeting new people throughout her life, like she is already doing in her retail experience, alongside her mom. So for right now, I am going to keep up the hard work and try to put a lid on this guilt. I'm going to try to lighten up and stop trying to have it all and do it all, to the point at which it's just not realistic, or enjoyable. Wouldn't it be great if I could channel all of that energy into shear appreciation for life and start taking it day by day? I'm going to work on that.

Let me share one more thought before I call it a night. Blogging is fantastic. I mean, where else can a person vent and whine to their heart's content, without ever having to worry about annoying their audience, because if they are truly annoyed, they'll quit reading it. Comments from readers are a fun surprise and often provide well-meaning encouragement and advice. And if ever a spoilsport drops a negative line, the blogger always gets the last word, with the power of the delete key. Putting yourself out there, emotionally, to the world, via the Worldwide Web, is liberating and satisfying. And then, of course, there is the benefit of journaling and documenting life's daily occurrences, which mundane as they may be, are still our own histories in the making. I like to think that this blog will be an entertaining read as I grow older and wiser and can look back and laugh. And for my children, this blog will serve as a collection of family memories more detailed, personal, and real than any baby book or fill-in-the-blank journal could ever be. So that's what this is all about, dear readers. Love this blog or leave it. I'll never know the difference. Blogging's a beautiful, therapeutic thing. And I highly recommend it!