I've Missed You, Blog

Since you last heard from me, I've gotten through a busy, yet disappointing month at work and another unsuccessful round of high-tech baby-making. I might have finally cracked under my own pressure, and (fingers-crossed) finally learned to accept that there are certain things I cannot control. (the economy, my fertility, and the occasional public toddler tantrum, etc.) How liberating it is!

For a few months now, Willa has been going to Miss Stacy's house M-W-F. I couldn't be happier with it - Willa is one of four children, aged 6 weeks to 3 years. And for $28 a day, Willa plays, naps, learns, and gets a healthy, homemade lunch. Yes, big city-dwellers, you read it correctly. It's quite a bargain! We went through a period of normal yet almost unbearable separation anxiety (both Willa and I) but we're getting better at the dreaded drop-off. This new daycare routine has dictated my work schedule, and so far it seems like just the right balance. I am cramming more work into less time, with fewer on the payroll. That has been challenging and exhausting, but I'm managing...and that's encouraging. Especially considering that it's my most crucial quarter, we're in a recession, and I'm going through a pretty costly and time-consuming medical process. I now have 3 days each week to devote to Willa, and that makes working through lunch totally worth it. The store looks festive and full of fresh new merchandise and although sales aren't quite up to par, things could certainly be worse. I have taken on more than usual this year with a new marketing scheme, including a customer rewards program, a Junior League show in Abilene, a Christmas sale at the upscale Fort Worth Club, and a local outdoor event last weekend at Marktplatz in freezing temperatures and SNOW! Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

And as I mentioned above, I have been puttering along through this baby-quest and Sean and I just embarked on our third IVF/FET. We transferred a single embryo during Round 2, just as we had carefully planned. But that was a decision I began to regret from the moment the embryologist delivered our thaw report. It had survived, but wasn't expanding very well. We were told that this wasn't necessarily bad news, but it wasn't good either. And there wasn't anything we could do but put it in and hope for the best. Of course it didn't work. So now we're in the middle of Round 3, and our hope for a pregnancy via FET is dwindling right along with our remaining embryos. On the upside, we do still have 3 embryos left. And though we've spent a fortune for them, I am actually enjoying my two (going on three) pairs of fuzzy, non-slip, hospital-issued slippers.

These days when I look at Willa, I am completely amazed that she is here and that just 3 years ago, we were in this same place. But I have to say that as much as I wanted a baby back then, to be a mom, as much as I hurt for it, I didn't truly know what I was missing. That makes it different this time. Having a child doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with infertility. In some aspects, it may in fact, make it harder. I am finding myself excessively attached to Willa again - the way I was when she was first born - afraid that if I blinked, I might wake up from the dream and she'd be gone. That's one of those scars of infertility I occasionally speak of. And it is a big-time annoyance. So, friends and family: I'm sorry if I seem overprotective or possessive. I can't help it. Imagine how awful I'll be as Willa gets older...Think Cheerleader Murdering Mom??? I must have another child...for Willa's sake!

Kids grow too fast. But I am finding it to be true that every stage is the best stage. Right now, Willa is the cutest, sweetest, funniest! She is so physically and mentally active - bouncing, running, twirling, dancing, pretending, and narrating for us every move that she makes. She talks constantly. She likes to sing her ABC's and Rock-A-Bye-Baby, but she'll try to sing along with anything. She's learned how to swaddle from Miss Stacy and carefully wraps Suzy up in her lovie and sings her to sleep, then tells everyone to "Shhh." The word, "NO" is a new favorite. And all I have to do is give her the look, and she'll say, "I'm sorry." She is so polite with her please's, thank you's, excuse me's and you're welcome's. I sure hope that sticks. I think I almost had her potty trained. But then I got lazy. And it all went down the toilet. I failed again. :-)

Stay tuned, y'all. I'll be posting more photos and stories soon! I mean it this time.

Scratch That...Start Again.

Last week, I took a routine blood test to check my HCG levels and make sure the pregnancy was progressing as it should. Confident that we had successfully crossed the hurdle of implantation, I was not at all prepared for the news the nurse delivered. I had been anxiously awaiting the call and preparing myself for the revelation of a multiple pregnancy. I was equipped to deal with that, but not this. My levels, which are expected to double in those first 48 hours, had only increased 2 points. An embryo had implanted but was not growing. And the pregnancy was failing. I was ordered to stop my meds and told I would miscarry within a few days. I was speechless, heartbroken and scared of what was to come.

I left Sean and Willa behind and headed for a long pre-planned weekend of market in LA. I had tons of appointments and stayed busy with work. And when I wasn't working, I was shopping for winter wear for Willa, which has a way of lifting my spirits. Now I'm back, and I've survived another experience that hasn't killed me, and therefore must have made me a little bit stronger. Certainly.

I had blood work Tuesday, and an ultrasound today, and both confirmed that everything is okay and we can move onto another cycle right away. The beginning of a cycle is the best part - the slate is clean and optimism is high. The process never gets any easier, emotionally. But it does become familiar - and I think I'm back in the mode of living the process. I'm feeling a bit like the infertility veteran - battle-scarred, and a tad bitter, yet adept at a variety of reproductive protocols, well versed in the lingo and closely in tune with my sense of humor. It's not a terrible place to be. For today at least. : )

Still There?

Okay, I've been a very, very bad blogger. Period. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I've tried to put my thoughts into a post several times, but the truth is, I have been way too stressed to make any sense. Trust me, and be glad that I've spared you my incoherent ramblings and taken this little vacation from Sprouting Daisies. I'm back now, and that's all that matters, right? I'm still stressed, but who isn't these days? My worries are no bigger than anybody else's, but they are relative.

I have been swamped with work, between the loose ends of 2008, and Jordan's departure. (I know, it's not a departure, it just feels like one.) The Roadrunner is surprisingly going strong and there is even some talk about a couple of V.I.P.'s coming to check it out and (cross your fingers) give us some free press. That has naturally sent me into a panic. My other business, however, is suffering from this fledgling economy, and I can't even make a dent in my stack of past due bills. Supposedly, one quarter of American retail establishments are expected to close in 2009, and according to my Yahoo homepage, clothing is among the first luxury consumers plan to cut. Rest assured, concerned friends, Root has a very good chance of survival. But I am aware of what is going on in the world and realistic of all the possibilities. (Anybody know what a pair of alpacas is going for these days?) I am trying to keep my overhead costs to a minimum by taking advantage of my own dirt cheap (free) labor and being there as much I can, but that isn't as easy as I had naively hoped. Willa is only entertained for about 10 minutes in her brand new fully-stocked play enclosure, and wants to be up front where she can eat raw lima beans out of the jewelry display and make me completely paranoid that she might slink out of the front door and onto U.S. Highway 290. (Just in case anybody is wondering what the big deal is and why I haven't taken Willa to a sitter, well, stay tuned...I'll explain it in a future post, entitled The Scars of My Infertility, and you'll wish you had never asked.) I'm aware that I am a tad addicted to Willa's company, but I honestly just want what is best for her. And what is best for her right now is to be with ME! So what am I to do? (Don't answer that.) To make matters worse, in just two short months, I will be leaving Willa behind for the first time, as I travel to L.A. for several days of market. And there's one more thing... I am still breastfeeding, and this upcoming trip will also bring the dreaded, yet inevitable end to that!

It's certainly not anything that I can't handle. In fact, I feel better already. This venting has cleared my head and I feel like blogging again. You'll be hearing from me soon, with optimism...and new pictures of Willa!