I've Missed You, Blog

Since you last heard from me, I've gotten through a busy, yet disappointing month at work and another unsuccessful round of high-tech baby-making. I might have finally cracked under my own pressure, and (fingers-crossed) finally learned to accept that there are certain things I cannot control. (the economy, my fertility, and the occasional public toddler tantrum, etc.) How liberating it is!

For a few months now, Willa has been going to Miss Stacy's house M-W-F. I couldn't be happier with it - Willa is one of four children, aged 6 weeks to 3 years. And for $28 a day, Willa plays, naps, learns, and gets a healthy, homemade lunch. Yes, big city-dwellers, you read it correctly. It's quite a bargain! We went through a period of normal yet almost unbearable separation anxiety (both Willa and I) but we're getting better at the dreaded drop-off. This new daycare routine has dictated my work schedule, and so far it seems like just the right balance. I am cramming more work into less time, with fewer on the payroll. That has been challenging and exhausting, but I'm managing...and that's encouraging. Especially considering that it's my most crucial quarter, we're in a recession, and I'm going through a pretty costly and time-consuming medical process. I now have 3 days each week to devote to Willa, and that makes working through lunch totally worth it. The store looks festive and full of fresh new merchandise and although sales aren't quite up to par, things could certainly be worse. I have taken on more than usual this year with a new marketing scheme, including a customer rewards program, a Junior League show in Abilene, a Christmas sale at the upscale Fort Worth Club, and a local outdoor event last weekend at Marktplatz in freezing temperatures and SNOW! Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

And as I mentioned above, I have been puttering along through this baby-quest and Sean and I just embarked on our third IVF/FET. We transferred a single embryo during Round 2, just as we had carefully planned. But that was a decision I began to regret from the moment the embryologist delivered our thaw report. It had survived, but wasn't expanding very well. We were told that this wasn't necessarily bad news, but it wasn't good either. And there wasn't anything we could do but put it in and hope for the best. Of course it didn't work. So now we're in the middle of Round 3, and our hope for a pregnancy via FET is dwindling right along with our remaining embryos. On the upside, we do still have 3 embryos left. And though we've spent a fortune for them, I am actually enjoying my two (going on three) pairs of fuzzy, non-slip, hospital-issued slippers.

These days when I look at Willa, I am completely amazed that she is here and that just 3 years ago, we were in this same place. But I have to say that as much as I wanted a baby back then, to be a mom, as much as I hurt for it, I didn't truly know what I was missing. That makes it different this time. Having a child doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with infertility. In some aspects, it may in fact, make it harder. I am finding myself excessively attached to Willa again - the way I was when she was first born - afraid that if I blinked, I might wake up from the dream and she'd be gone. That's one of those scars of infertility I occasionally speak of. And it is a big-time annoyance. So, friends and family: I'm sorry if I seem overprotective or possessive. I can't help it. Imagine how awful I'll be as Willa gets older...Think Cheerleader Murdering Mom??? I must have another child...for Willa's sake!

Kids grow too fast. But I am finding it to be true that every stage is the best stage. Right now, Willa is the cutest, sweetest, funniest! She is so physically and mentally active - bouncing, running, twirling, dancing, pretending, and narrating for us every move that she makes. She talks constantly. She likes to sing her ABC's and Rock-A-Bye-Baby, but she'll try to sing along with anything. She's learned how to swaddle from Miss Stacy and carefully wraps Suzy up in her lovie and sings her to sleep, then tells everyone to "Shhh." The word, "NO" is a new favorite. And all I have to do is give her the look, and she'll say, "I'm sorry." She is so polite with her please's, thank you's, excuse me's and you're welcome's. I sure hope that sticks. I think I almost had her potty trained. But then I got lazy. And it all went down the toilet. I failed again. :-)

Stay tuned, y'all. I'll be posting more photos and stories soon! I mean it this time.

Scratch That...Start Again.

Last week, I took a routine blood test to check my HCG levels and make sure the pregnancy was progressing as it should. Confident that we had successfully crossed the hurdle of implantation, I was not at all prepared for the news the nurse delivered. I had been anxiously awaiting the call and preparing myself for the revelation of a multiple pregnancy. I was equipped to deal with that, but not this. My levels, which are expected to double in those first 48 hours, had only increased 2 points. An embryo had implanted but was not growing. And the pregnancy was failing. I was ordered to stop my meds and told I would miscarry within a few days. I was speechless, heartbroken and scared of what was to come.

I left Sean and Willa behind and headed for a long pre-planned weekend of market in LA. I had tons of appointments and stayed busy with work. And when I wasn't working, I was shopping for winter wear for Willa, which has a way of lifting my spirits. Now I'm back, and I've survived another experience that hasn't killed me, and therefore must have made me a little bit stronger. Certainly.

I had blood work Tuesday, and an ultrasound today, and both confirmed that everything is okay and we can move onto another cycle right away. The beginning of a cycle is the best part - the slate is clean and optimism is high. The process never gets any easier, emotionally. But it does become familiar - and I think I'm back in the mode of living the process. I'm feeling a bit like the infertility veteran - battle-scarred, and a tad bitter, yet adept at a variety of reproductive protocols, well versed in the lingo and closely in tune with my sense of humor. It's not a terrible place to be. For today at least. : )

I'm Pregnant!!!

The Transfer

Last Thursday, we went in for the embryo transfer. Upon admission, I was given a stunning backless gown, hair net, and some fuzzy slippers, and all sorts of instructions as to what we should expect during the procedure and what kinds of activities I should avoid over the next few days (like work, seriously - as if I could avoid that.) I signed a bunch of important papers, popped a Valium, and tried to relax while we anxiously awaited the Embryologist's report on the thaw of our embryo. When she arrived, she was happy to report the good news - the first TWO embryos selected, had thawed successfully and had received excellent ratings. I thought maybe I heard wrong. Until I saw this:

Count 'em. One. Two.

Someone screwed up. Our wishes to conservatively transfer one embryo at a time had been miscommunicated, or perhaps, not communicated at all, and now we were faced with another decision - to select the healthiest looking one and attempt to refreeze the other, or transfer both of them and take a chance of ending up with two babies. My doctor came in after a little while and sat next to me on my bed, apologized for the error, and tried her best explain our options and to ease our concerns. Refreezing would be risky, and the likelihood of twins was still slim. Her recommendation was always to use two, and so we agreed. I asked if this had earned me two Valium - was told "No," but maybe two baby gifts. Sean kept reminding me to stay calm, that his babies would need a peaceful womb.

So, the thing that finally did relax me was the realization of what little control I had. And that if I am blessed with two healthy babies, it was all part of a greater plan. Whoa. And the end of my life as I know it.

The transfer was quick and painless. Implantation occurs, or doesn't, within 36 hours. And the pregnancy test is Saturday. Y'all wish me luck!

Not Myself

Thank you all who have commented (here, by email, by phone, or in person.) I am so glad to know that my story was well received and understood. Unlike so many others going through this process, Sean and I are surrounded by awesome friends and a supportive family, who have let me drag them along on this dreadful roadtrip. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to go it alone.

So here's an update: Sean started administering my progesterone injections on Saturday night. It was really hard for him to make that initial stab, and we had to watch a YouTube video to gear up for it. But he did an excellent job, as far as I could tell. I didn't see or feel a thing. I have developed my own special technique of thorough icing prior to and immediate heat, post injection, which seems, so far, to be foolproof.

I have not mastered any techniques for enduring the side effects of this process, however. The zen state I was in at the time of my previous post has vanished. And I am now overcome with irritation. I've been trying to find the words to properly describe these feelings I have, because, frankly, Sean deserves an explanation for my behavior. I had an outburst last night that involved yelling (controlled, as to not wake the sleeping baby) and throwing things (only my toothbrush, but it was covered in toothpaste and could have made a real mess.) It may sound mild, but those who truly know me get the significance.

I don't know why this hit me as such a surprise. I guess I assumed the stims were the main culprits of discomfort in my last attempt. But now I am reminded that it's fertility treatment, in general, that makes me crazy. The meds are pretty hard core, don't get me wrong, but they are an insignificant speck in the scheme of this manipulated menstrual cycle. The estrogen makes me ultra-sensitive and weepy, and now the progesterone has added sleepy, hot, broken-out, weak, constipated, bloated, crampy, bruised and achy to the list. Those are mostly physical discomforts, which I can totally handle. It's the underlying emotions that get to me.

Please don't assume I'm soliciting sympathy. I honestly just want to explain why I am not myself.

So, you get the pain as listed above. That's the easy part. Not so easy is enduring the constant and ever-so-annoying awareness of my body ~ every twinge, flash, and ache that infallibly remind me of what I'm trying so desperately to accomplish, yet have absolutely no control over. The worst emotion is the ugly resentment I can't help but feel, that such invasive lengths are necessary for Sean and me to perform the fundamental, natural, and expected act of reproduction. Ironically, that resentment brings shame for having those very feelings, and pressure to find exceptance of my own circumstances. (It is what it is, so I must deal with it. What good would it do to cry about it? Easier said than done.) Hold on, there's one more, a very real fear of failure, and recognition of the likelihood that we'll have to go through it all again, next month.

On a positive note, I have a very powerful tool for stifling all of my ill will...

The embryo transfer is tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes. And soon, I promise to set all this negative talk aside and bring you up to date on the precious little IVF product pictured above. Very soon.

Thanks for listening.

Here We Go Again

As I informed in a previous post, Sean and I are ready to expand the family and try for another Baby Heep...But since we are challenged in that regard, it requires some more planning and effort, and well, medical intervention than the typical case. I wish I had been blogging during our past struggles with infertility. Those years of whole-hearted and hopeful attempts, followed routinely by heartache, encouraged personal growth and undoubtedly shaped me as a mother, wife, friend, and person. (Ultimate mom-blog material!)

Now, I have too mushy a mom-brain to remember every detail of all that we went through to have Willa. But I remember a lot. And despite how difficult it was, it's not something I particularly want to forget.

In a nutshell, we spent about 7 years of trials and intermittent treatment, which covered more unromantic territory than I ever had anticipated. Basic temperature charting eventually lead to a hysterosalpingogram (dye test) and a prescription of the marriage-threatening Clomid. After 6 months of the horrid drug, and no pregnancy, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility specialist) and underwent 3 consecutive Intra Uterine Inseminations accompanied by more Clomid. Finally, we switched to stronger injectable ovarian stimulation which helped me to produce 5 follicles and held a lot of promise. And still not a one made a baby. It had been two solid years of tried and failed cycles when we took a break to regroup, recoup, and save up enough money for our next step - InVitro Fertilization. One cycle = $15k.

Most people know what IVF entails, or at least think they do. But for those who haven't a clue or have been misinformed, here's how it works:

I should start by explaining how we got here in the first place. Before you go feeling like you are invading into private territory, let me explain how Sean and I both feel about divulging this information for all the world to see. We are completely open about it and have nothing to hide. Infertility is a scary, lonely world, and we lived in it long enough to get over ourselves, our pride, and our fears of judgement by others who had not ever considered our shoes, let alone walked in them. We wish more people could talk openly about their infertility, and especially that others (fertiles-so to speak) wouldn't get so darned uncomfortable around it.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest...back to our particular case: We were diagnosed with male-factor infertility. With all do respect for modern medicine and the miracle of IVF, I still don't quite understand why no one has come up with a successful treatment for problematic sperm, other than hyper-stimulation of the female. That, basically, is what IVF entails. The female is made hyper-fertile to compensate for male-related issues. I am not complaining - those are just the facts - and I occasionally ponder them.

It was March of 2007 when we took on IVF. I received my air mail package of meds and cried because it overwhelmed me. I remember fear being a pretty strong emotion at that point, too. But determination won out and we pressed on with as much optimism as we could muster. First, I took birth control pills so that my cycle was properly timed. Then I injected Lupron to suppress my ovaries prior to Follistim to stimulate them and Sean and I drove to Austin several times a week to have my blood drawn in the wee hours of morning. My uterus and follicular development were carefully monitored by ultrasound and hormone levels as determined by the blood work. When the follicles had reached maturity, I was scheduled for retrieval and given a shot of HCG, the strategically-timed ovulation trigger. It starts the countdown to ovulation, and retrieval must be performed just before it occurs. I was put under anesthesia for the first time in my life, as Sean was ushered off to take care of his business, which, by the way, is just as low-tech as you can possibly imagine. With an ultrasound-guided needle, the doctor pierced through my vaginal wall and aspirated each follicle directly from an overworked, Herculean ovary. When I woke up, I was in a lot of pain, but happy to hear that 23 eggs had been retrieved - that's almost two year's worth of ovulation, all crammed into one cycle and one very swollen ovary. The embryologists selected 16 viable eggs and performed intracytoplasmic sperm injection, ICSI, on each of them. That's a super-advanced procedure in which a single sperm is selected and injected into a single egg. Twelve fertilized, and 8 matured into healthy blastocysts by day 5 - the day of transfer. Sean and I decided to transfer 2 embryos, which gave us a 60-80% chance at pregnancy and about a 40% chance of twins. The remaining 6 embryos were frozen, and the two week wait began. Melissa, my dear friend/neighbor/registered nurse administered my daily intramuscular progesterone injections into alternating hips with the fattest, longest needle I've ever seen. I turned black and blue and lumpy. But the daily ritual gave me something to focus on throughout the wait. On the day of my Beta HCG, (that's a fancy name for a pregnancy test) I was depressed, terrified, and certain that I was not pregnant. I felt just the same as I did every time before - bloated, uncomfortable, constipated, tender in the breasts - all side effects of the progesterone and other meds I had been taking. When the nurse called, her voice was quiet and serious - just like every other time I had received this call. But her words were different. I was finally pregnant and we had conquered infertility.

Round One, at least.

We are currently undergoing our very first frozen embryo transfer. It is much simpler, medically, and less expensive than a full-blown IVF cycle, but the pregancy rates are significantly lower as well.

This is how a FET goes: First I had a hysterosalpingogram (dye test) to ensure that my uterus is primed for another pregnancy. I am taking oral estrogen 3 times a day to suppress my ovaries and prevent them from making any new eggs, since we are transferring frozen embryos (fertilized eggs) from a previous cycle ~ the 2007 IVF cycle in which Willa was conceived. The estrogen has made me extra sensitive and I've cried an awful lot, but that's the only side effect so far. I had an ultrasound at the start of the cycle to make sure my uterus was cyst-free, and a second one accompanied by a blood test to determine that the estrogen is working properly and preparing my uterus for implantation. Sean and I picked up all six embryos from the cryobank and delivered them to the IVF center for preparations. And we also got a refresher course on progesterone injections. I have one more blood test later this week to check my progesterone level and will begin injections this weekend. Melissa wasn't willing to move back to Fredericksburg or make the daily commute, so it's all up to Sean this time. He is significantly more nervous about it than I am. He compared his needle-phobia to my toothpaste aversion, so I'm actually feeling pretty sorry for him. (Even though I'll be the one getting stuck.) Five days after I start the progesterone, I will go in for transfer. Only about 70% of embryos survive the freeze/thaw process. We are considered very fortunate to have six; Many people don't have any extras to freeze and use in subsequent cycles. Talk about counting our blessings. On the day of transfer, one embryo will be selected and thawed, despite the advice of our doctor who suggested we transfer two, simultaneously, to increase our pregnancy odds from 25% to 35%. Twins, although medically fine and dandy, is not a responsible decision for our household. And contrary to the desperation we felt before having Willa, we now have a sense of patience and acceptance of our circumstances. If that first one survives the thaw, the rest can go back to the cryobank for our future use. If it doesn't, they will thaw another one, and so on.

So that's what we've been up to. How about you?