Letters to the Twins, Part Five

My dear double dose of Heep,

So you've gone and turned on me...breech, that is. That's okay, Lovies, make yourselves comfortable for the time being. You still have at least 8 weeks until I let you out. Just remember that it will be greatly appreciated if you turned back around and joined in my efforts for a natural, non-surgical delivery. It's no rush, and just a suggestion. You are each over 3 pounds and 17 inches in length. Whoa, that's a lot of baby! And your movements have grown even stronger and more pronounced, enough that it sometimes takes my breath away. I'm getting nudged by pointy little limbs all over the place and occasionally wonder if you're in there using my organs as a punching bag or a string instrument. Since I can't check in on you anytime I want, I'll admit, it is nice to know you're okay...and entertaining yourselves. Your growth is great, and you seem to be healthy and strong, just as a German pair should be. You still have some important work to do, like completion of your lung development and packing on a few more pounds. But the doc says everything looks great in there, despite my ongoing and bizarre pregnancy ailments. What's a little sciatica, double carpal tunnel, and heartburn in the whole scheme of making two babies? I am certainly woman enough to handle 5 or 6 bathroom trips a night, some swelling, and 30 extra pounds which seem to all be resting squarely on my pelvis. Maternal fat storage is such a cute name for cellulite, I think. And if it weren't for the carpal tunnel, I could fix my face right up to conceal the splotchy brown pregnancy mask that has washed over it. The freight train snore I've developed is only temporary and I secretly think your daddy finds it endearing. I only wonder why it is that I can't consume enough ice, and find new car scent to be so intoxicating. Your daddy and I have finished Willa's room and have been working away on your's. Your shiny new chest of drawers is stocked, and your cribs are set up. Only a few more finishing touches and all that will be missing is you. We are so eager to welcome you home, but know that you are not quite ready for the outside yet. It won't be long. XOXO

Letters to the Twins, Part Four

My dear duo in utero,

You've come a long way. babies! In fact, I'd say you've just reached the biggest milestone of your short existence - the point of viability! If you absolutely had to be born today, you would have a great chance of survival, with medical intervention, of course. There have been so many people rooting and praying for you, I bet you can almost hear their mass sigh of relief that we've made it to this point. I'm confident and determined to take you all the way, but that's still a good bit of reassurance. In the recent weeks, you have doubled in size, at 15 inches long, and weigh a hefty 3 pounds each. Your features are growing more distinct, though only time will tell whether they will favor your daddy or me. And you can blink! (I'm out here winking at you right now.) They say that your sleep cycles are developing as well...and it seems as though your days and nights are mixed up. Just about the time I turn in for the night, the two of you start winding up. As busy as you've been inside your cozy womb, things have been equally busy out here. I have been making room for you at home. Nesting has commenced, and with a bang! Bags upon boxes of Willa's outgrown clothing and toys have been sorted and either lovingly reassigned to you or donated. Your daddy and I have begun your sister's transition out of the nursery and into her new big-girl room. Spackling, painting, drilling, check, check, check. Once that is complete, we'll be able to start on the challenging task of designing your shared space. I'm feeling the pressure to hurry and get it done because we're growing so fast, these energetic and productive days are bound to be numbered. My mother's intuition seems to be working; I feel like I'm starting to know who you'll be. Your daddy and I have names picked out for each of you, but we're keeping them to ourselves until we meet and make them official. At 26 weeks, I have gained as much weight as I had at the end of my last pregnancy and I'm considerably rounder. From what the doctor can tell, you are still in the ideal vertex/vertex position and I can feel your tiny movements all over the place, from way down low in my pelvis to up high behind my ribs. Sometimes I catch you stretching out, distorting the basketball that my belly has become, and it's fun to guess which body part it is that's doing the poking and to which one of you it belongs. Time is passing so quickly, before we know it, you'll be nestled in my arms, making those same familiar movements and our little mystery will be solved.

Letters to the Twins, Part Three

My sweet little beans,

How you have sprouted over the past few weeks! It must be my new and improved appetite, which has meant fewer empty calories (McDonald's Cheeseburgers) and more of everything else. (Organic peanut butter on whole wheat toast, washed down with a homemade fruit smoothie, and chased by a handful of yogurt-covered pretzels. And some days, that's all before lunch.) I can tell you're growing stronger by the intensity of your punches and kicks, which keep me entertained throughout the entire day. Between the two of you, there is rarely a dull moment. Your dad and I visited with a big-city doctor last week, who performed a detailed Level 2 Sonogram. He carefully examined each and all of your parts and gave us plenty of reassurance that everything is in working order. Actually, he used the word, "perfect," but that was old news to us. You are almost exactly the same size: 12 ounces, with a difference of only 2 grams! Baby Girl, you're still our Baby A (first in line for the grand entrance.) And Baby Boy, I'm so pleased that you're already minding your mama and have decided to flip around to a more ideal position, head down and sweetly spooning your sister. Now, all you have to do is stay put, and GROW! I'm sure you can hear us by now, and hope you're enjoying Willa's endless chatter as much as your dad and I do. She's really excited to be your big sister and practices her swaddling skills every day. Her once interchangeable dolls, Suzy I and Suzy II, are now inseparable Suzy and Molly, the twins. I have finally found the energy and mental capacity to begin making room for the family addition. Mostly, it has just been thinking and planning but I foresee some execution is on the horizon. I'm sure that you will feel that you fit quite nicely into our home and family. The consensus out here is that the two of you will perfectly complete us. Here we go again with the "perfection"...Don't let it go to your heads.

Love you,

Mama

Letters To The Twins, Part Two

My favorite duet,

Here we are, already four months into your prenatal development. Since we have entered our second trimester, time has really started flying! Each day, I feel a little bit more like myself. The nausea is almost gone completely, my energy is increasing, and my I-can-handle-this confidence is mounting. We got to peek in on you last week and discovered the most exciting details about the two of you! One of you is a girl, and one of you is a boy! What a perfect combination! It was so neat to see where exactly each of you are in my womb, and which one of you is doing the thumping, which at least for now, I cannot get enough of. I can't wait until you grow big and strong enough that your daddy and Willa can feel too. It is the sweetest reminder that you're in there and the most precious reassurance that you're okay. (I hate that I'm already having to say this, but sweet boy, stop kicking your sister in the head! In fact, just turn around, it'll make things easier on all of us.) Your bones must be getting stronger, because you are sure using up the calcium and I can feel it. I'm taking in plenty of extra now, so there should be more than enough to go around. At five inches in length from crown to rump, you are growing more noticeably than I am. But I'm certain that it's just a matter of time before my innie gives way and my middle protrudes. Feel free to stretch out, I have a long torso and I'm willing to accommodate. In a couple of weeks, we will get to see you again in a more specialized ultrasound with a perinatologist. We are so eager to catch a glimpse of your sweet faces! As the mystery of whom each of you are unfolds, we look more and more forward to knowing and loving you.

Letters to the Twins, Part One

My dear twin peeps,

You've hardly caused a bump, but oh, the havoc you have wreaked! I've emerged from the first trimester in one piece, though it hasn't been pretty! You and I have been high-maintenance, to say the least. Your daddy almost gave up on ever reuniting with the pleasant pre-twin-pregnancy version of me and threatened to pack up and head to the ranch, with your sister in tow, for an extended vacation. Surprisingly, the store didn't crumble, due to my compromised abilities. I am amazed that the household filth generated by the dog, the toddler, the man, the my temporarily slovenly self has not accumulated enough to bury us all. Needless to say, I've been TIRED. Irritable. Nauseated. And, oddly, congested and allergic like never before in my life. But it's all been for good reason. You have clearly needed the energy more than I do, with your rapid development and the complex construction of all of your bodily systems. And like any mother, I'm happy to merely survive so that you two can thrive. Just know that once you get here, I expect you to be good sleepers. You owe me that. Things have improved over the last couple of weeks. You've eased up on me now that your physical development is mostly complete, and I can definitely feel the difference. I was able to take Willa to the park for a picnic yesterday. I hope the slide wasn't too much for you. Anyway, the more days we can have like that, the easier your big sis is going to be on you when you get here. My nausea has subsided, for the most part. It's only when I miss your signal and don't feed you on time, that you stick it to me. In which case, I deserve it. I feel less depleted and have these exciting, yet fleeting moments of energy. I hesitate to act on them, though, for fear that they are only an illusion that is suckering me into some physical activity that I'll pay for later. I'm trying to prepare for your arrival as best I can, by picking the brains of other twin mamas and reading whatever I can find on the subject. I tell you what, nobody has candy coated it! And I'm actually grateful for their honestly. It's better to know what to expect. Willa is making room for you, too. She has already given up diapers in anticipation of the toll your pants are going to take on the landfill. Bringing you home will be the biggest challenge of my life. But I'm up for it. I'm your mom! And I'm sure your daddy and I wouldn't have been given anything that we can't handle. So rest assured, you're in good hands. We wanted you more than you'll ever know, and love you both already!

{I owe credit to PacingThePanicRoom for inspiring me to track my belly and pregnancy progress in this way. The blogger is an awesome photographer who adores his wife and did a weekly series of maternity photos and notes to their baby. It's worth clicking over and checking it out. So sweet. And the awesome photographer that I've enlisted is Jennifer Lankford of PortraitsByJenn. Her site is worth checking out too!}

Third Time Proves a Charm

When I last posted, Sean and I were about half way along in our third consecutive frozen embryo transfer. I wasn't quite my optimistic self. It was tough for me, going through it during the holidays. But I didn't have much choice. Stopping or taking a break from treatment would have meant giving up. And the mental state that would have put me in, oh let's not even imagine.

Frustration over our previous failed attempts and our growing medical debt had sent us into a state of desperation. We had already spent about $6000 (thanks to my loyal MasterCard and American Express) and had gone through half of our embryos. I had endured nearly 3 months of hormone support in the form of pills and needles. Suddenly, we found ourselves willing to take on the risk that once seemed so frightening. If transferring two embryos would increase our chances of a pregnancy by 10%, it was worth it now. Physically, emotionally, and financially, a no-brainer.

We arrived for the transfer on December 18th and were once again cautiously hopeful, and nervous about what the thaw report would reveal. (Remember our last cycle - one embryo was thawed and survived but was not expanding. All that effort - for such little chance of implantation and a successful pregnancy.) Well, ironically both of the embryos this go-round were of excellent quality. "As good as it gets," said the doc. We left the hospital with our hopes restored.

(Two tiny humans - 5 days past conception. Amazing, isn't it?)

Then came the two-week wait. It sucked, as it always does. My pregnancy test fell on the Sunday of Willa's birthday. I am not being dramatic when I tell you that I was severely ill with cedar fever or the worst sinus infection of my life, and hadn't been able to sleep in 48 hours (because the pillow hurt my face.) And Sean, Willa, and I headed all the way to Austin at 6am to have my blood drawn because it was the closest lab that was open on a Sunday and could give us same-day results. That afternoon, my nurse called, and I could instantly detect the extra pep in her voice. My pregnancy test was positive and I was 4 weeks along. Not only that, but my HCG level was high enough (178) that I didn't have to go back for a 48 hour retest. I had more of the pregnancy hormone than I did with Willa at 4 weeks and that had turned out great. (Obviously.) Over the next week, my sinus misery was gradually replaced with all-day-morning-sickness, heartburn, metallic-mouth, and exhaustion. I definitely felt pregnant (physically, at least) and I welcomed the symptoms as reassurance. I had another test the following week, and while I was at the lab, I used the restroom and was slapped in the face with an emotional setback when I noticed that I was spotting. The IVF nurse tried her best to convince me not to worry until my levels came back from the lab. Apparently, it's common in early pregnancy to have a little bleeding or spotting. I wouldn't get my test results until the next day and no words or statistics were going to make me feel better in the meantime. Thankfully, by the following day, the bleeding had tapered off, and I got the results of my second test. It revealed extreme levels of HCG (8776) and in 24 hours my head went from certain miscarriage, to twin wonder. Ah, the roller coaster.

A third blood test and two weeks later, my ultrasound appointment finally arrived. Sean couldn't understand why I was so nervous. At this point, I think you just become conditioned to bad news. And I didn't know if we would see any hearts beating, let alone two. The doctor came in, congratulated us, and made reference to the fact that here we were...pregnant, and having finally taken the double-embryo plunge, we were faced with a very real possibility of twins. She realized how we had been so careful to avoid that possibility in our previous cycles. Again with the irony.

I have never really been able to see what's what on those ultrasound monitors. But this was clear as day. Two sacks, two beating hearts. TWINS.

Sean and I are pretty overwhelmed with everything right now. A twin pregnancy is high-risk and I can honestly say that all those worries I experienced when I was pregnant with Willa are back, and have been multiplied by 2. I have to admit, I am both fascinated and fearful of the impending growth of my midsection. I will definitely be documenting that so prepare yourselves. And there are also so many decisions to be made, new things to learn, and logistics to figure out - from new doctor, to new car, to kid/crib placement in our less-than-sprawling 2/2, possible cesarean, tandem nursing, power-pumping, double strolling, and whew, I better stop right there.

Now, in case you couldn't tell, Sean and I are truly thrilled. We always wanted a big family. And in just about 7 more months, our brood of one will have grown by 200%.

I'm going to take it easy and limit my first trimester goals to deciding on an obstetrician, resting and taking my prenatal vitamin daily, and eating enough, despite my queasy stomach. Definitely easier said than done. So wish me luck!

I'm Pregnant!!!